audacious

 au·da·cious \ȯ-ˈdā-shəs\

adjective

— extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless: an audacious explorer.

— extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive: an audacious vision of the city’s bright future.

— recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.

— lively; unrestrained; uninhibited: an audacious interpretation of her role.

I woke up early this morning and I was absolutely terrified.  I had no idea why.  As I lay there, unable to go back to sleep, I realized that I am terrified of going out on the road by myself.  I understand that I will have Tace with me so I won’t really be alone.  But I no longer have David with me.  David watching my back.  Allowing me to be audacious yet there to catch me if I fell.  What happened to me?  Looking back, it seems like when David died, I came to a full stop.  Like a rope was around me stopping me from moving.  Keeping me in one place.  I went to work, got thru the day.  I smiled like expected.  I made all the right responses, most of the time.  As the months went by the ropes got tighter, thicker, heavier.  Every negative experience made the ropes stronger.  This fearful person is not me.  I can see how I have avoided getting ready to leave.  I have been avoiding an adventure by delaying and putting off doing things that I needed to do.  I cannot be like this.  I will not be like this.  How could I have let this happen to me?

When I was 7yo, there was a poem in my spelling book.  It hit me and I realized that the poem encompassed how I needed to live my life.  It has been the guiding compass of my life.  David bought me a book of poems by Robert Frost because this poem was in it.  I have never been big on poetry but I do like Robert Frost.

yellow wood

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

The time has come.  I must untangle the heavy, thick ropes of negativity, sorrow and despair that are weighing me down, keeping me from moving.  I must do this.   I have things to do.  Places to see.  Roads to travel.  It’s time to be audacious again.

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